On This Day
by mdime
Summary: Leo is having some problems with his Deputy...
1. Default Chapter

Title: On This Day  
  
Rating: R (rated due to angst)  
  
Category: angst/drama  
  
Spoilers: nothing overly specific...  
  
Summary: Leo is having some problems with his Deputy...  
  
Archive: Please let me know.  
  
Disclaimer: *sigh* They haven't been mine yet, what made you think this time would be any different? Besides, I told you already, I torture them way too much for you to want them to be mine.  
  
Author's Note: Just as a precautionary note this is a multi-part fic, and I pretty much throw you into the action without back story (for reasons to be discovered when all is done) until the last section.  
  
  
  
  
  
Leo looked up from his paperwork, removing his glasses to rub his eyes as he sighed. "Margaret!" he bellowed.  
  
Margaret appeared in the doorway, waiting.  
  
"Is he back from the Hill yet?"  
  
Margaret gave him her what-did-I-tell-you look and asked, "When did you ask me this last?"  
  
"I don't know...five minutes ago?"  
  
"Five minutes ago. And what did I say five minutes ago?"  
  
He sighed, resigned. "That he would be sent here as soon as he got back."  
  
"Do you see him here?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then you should assume that he's still on the Hill."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And he'll come see you when he's back."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Is there anything else you need?"  
  
Leo stared at the papers in front of him for a moment before responding. *A drink.* That was the second thing that came to mind. He disregarded that for fear of scaring Margaret – who was already paranoid enough – and decided to go with the first.  
  
"Leo?"  
  
"My Deputy."  
  
She didn't respond, and when he looked up she was no longer in the doorway. He sighed again and went back to reading reports.  
  
*****  
  
He was almost done with a phone call when he saw Josh in the doorway. He said goodbye and hung up, staring blankly at his desk for a while before lifting his eyes to meet Josh's. It looked like it was bad news all around.  
  
"Is something happening?"  
  
"You know exactly what's happening, Josh."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"It's falling apart."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Three days, Josh. We got them to honor their promises for three days, but..."  
  
"It doesn't look like the treaty will be lasting for a forth."  
  
Leo leaned back in his chair, contemplating the man standing before him. This was only the latest crisis. When he said that it was falling apart, he could have meant almost anything. It was all falling apart, these days. Things had finally been looking up after the grand jury investigation, but they couldn't catch a break and they were beaten down once more, forced to struggle, somehow, through the last month. Both home and abroad, things were getting rough again, and Leo wasn't sure how well they'd be able to weather these latest storms.  
  
"Leo?"  
  
The sound of Josh's voice broke him from his meditation.  
  
"It's going to be okay, you know."  
  
"Is it?" he asked, "is it really?"  
  
Josh sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Yeah. It will be. You just have to give it some time...it's been a month. Just a month. A lot has happened that has nothing to do with my –"  
  
"I know, I do," Leo interrupted irritably, "It just makes everything harder. Things were mishandled – some are still being botched. I've got a Deputy Chief of Staff who's flying off at the mouth, antagonizing members of Congress, which is typical enough, but also pissing off the rest of the senior staff...who barely talk to him anyway. What am I supposed to do, where am I supposed to side?"  
  
Josh met his gaze calmly, unflinchingly, but his words lacked conviction. "I don't like...I mean, I don't think...time. Just give it time."  
  
"For what, things to smooth over or resentment to take root? I can't have my staff at odds like this, especially not with the President the way he's been recently. I refuse to continue to play referee. We have real things to take care of."  
  
"Well, you know I only said to give it time because that's what I thought you needed to hear. Toby is silent and brooding, and when he's not he yells – followed almost immediately by apologies and more brooding; CJ looks like she doesn't sleep, she walks around like she is paranoid that it is all going to fall apart, to disintegrate before her eyes; Sam...God, Leo, I barely recognize Sam...he's lost his enthusiasm, his passion, he's quiet, withdrawn and anxious, and it's my fault. Don't you think I realize that it's all my fault?"  
  
"Josh, you didn't –"  
  
"We need a lasting peace. We can't just continue to delay and calm and patch. Nothing we've tried so far has worked, so we need something different. A completely new approach."  
  
Leo knew that he had changed the subject back to the treaty violations, but thought that Josh's words could fit well into their other conversation as well. "Yeah."  
  
"The President has to change his focus."  
  
"Do you have a plan?"  
  
Margaret came in with some papers which she handed to Leo and waited for him to sign. "Sam said he'd like to talk to you if you're free."  
  
Leo looked up at Josh before answering her. "Yeah...tell him he can come down now."  
  
*****  
  
Sam walked in without acknowledging Josh. "Hey Leo."  
  
"Tell me you have good news, Sam."  
  
Sam shifted uncomfortably on his feet, but didn't respond.  
  
"How bad is it?"  
  
"No one will get serious with me. I've tried, but they're all still pissed over what *he* said last Tuesday and refuse to cut any deals. Leo, it's going to stay in committee forever...nobody wants to touch it because the White House is 'sending out mixed signals and undermining authority.' There's nothing I can do! I can't even pretend to have the same influence as the Deputy Chief of Staff, and he's screwed up again. You have to –"  
  
"No." Leo looked past a fuming Sam to Josh, who was standing quietly in the background, daring Leo to meet his gaze. "Don't go there, Sam, it's not your place."  
  
"Yeah," he conceded quietly, "I know."  
  
"Look, I know that this is important, but it will have to wait for another time."  
  
"Yeah, okay." Sam's voice lacked all of the passion and drive they needed, all the assurance of his convictions that he used to have. He sounded tired, too, almost lost. It seemed like the only times he got fired up anymore were when things got personal. Leo wondered just how much longer they could go on like this. He couldn't just stand around and watch his staff fall apart, but he didn't know how to eliminate the problem other than by...well, by eliminating the problem, and he really didn't want to have to do that.  
  
Leo sighed again as he stared intently at Sam, purposefully avoiding looking at Josh. "How's Donna doing?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
He wasn't really expecting more than a one-word response. Moving her over to Communications had been the best move, but that didn't mean it had been easy. "And you?"  
  
"Well, I'd be a whole lot better if I could get this damn piece of legislation back on track..."  
  
"Yeah." That wasn't what Leo meant, and he knew Sam knew that. "I might have a strategy for you. See me again in a couple of hours?"  
  
"Yeah. Thanks, Leo."  
  
Josh spoke up as soon as Sam left the room. "He's pissed."  
  
"Well he has a right to be, and don't you give me some 'it needs time' crap. I want a strategy. A good one. This one should have been an easy win, and it's turning into a disaster."  
  
"I know that. This is a good bill, I worked a long time putting everything together and – "  
  
Leo cut him off with a wave of his hand. "I have to go see the President now, go over what diplomatic options we have left."  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
Leo thought about the way Josh said that as he went into the Oval. He had sounded just like Sam. Things weren't going to get any easier unless he took a stand. He just didn't know what stand to take. 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: For the lack of anything better, I'm using symbols like \\ this // to indicate flashbacks.  
  
On This Day  
  
part 2/5  
  
  
  
Leo rolled over, bleary eyes attempting to discern the numbers on the clock.  
  
4:47.  
  
He sighed, sitting up and pushing back the covers, abandoning the hope of sleep. He was having a lot of trouble with that, these days. He shivered at the sudden cold, stumbling into the bathroom and turning on the water for a shower. Waiting for it to warm, he stared at himself in the mirror. He looked old. Old and tired. Worn out. Which he was.  
  
And he hadn't had a decent night's sleep since...well, since the campaign, really, but the last month had been hell. There had been certain times, along the way, when they had all been sleep-deprived, over-worked, emotionally distraught, stretched beyond all normal limits and still expected to perform – and perform well. The worst of those stuck out in his mind. After Rosslyn. After the announcement. Now. They had been forged in battle, tempered by tragedy, strengthened by devotion, love, and faith. Individually, they were remarkable. Together...  
  
But they would never be together, again. Not in the same way as before. They had been fundamentally changed, irrevocably altered. And Leo couldn't sleep anymore. He worried, all the time he worried. His mind had always been fully occupied before, but now...now he struggled to hold them all together, when he knew full well that the rest of them – himself occasionally included – wanted to think that things would get easier with a dismissal and a quick goodbye party. He knew they wouldn't, though, knew that that would not solve their problems, might even make them worse. Time. Maybe Josh was right. Maybe the President was right. Maybe, as improbable as it sounded, Margaret was right. He felt like Toby...what had he said that time? Something about agreeing with everyone and that making him crazy. Perhaps he was just going crazy. That option was seeming more and more likely, though Josh had said –  
  
*Stop*, he told himself. *The last thing you should be doing right now is relying upon Josh for advice.*  
  
Stepping from the shower, Leo felt slightly more awake, if not rested. Still too early to go in to work, though. Margaret had recently become adamant that he not be allowed to show up before six – barring a national or international emergency, of course – and had enlisted as many employees as possible as spies who reported any and all infractions on this or her other policies. He settled into a chair and leaned back, resting his eyes. Fragments of yesterday wandered through his head.  
  
  
  
\\ "You wanted to see me, Leo?"  
  
"Yeah, Sam. Read this and tell me what you think."  
  
He had watched Sam closely, gauging his reaction as his eyes quickly skimmed the page. When he had finished, he had stared a Leo for a moment, a look akin to surprise upon his face.  
  
When Sam finally spoke, voice quiet and cautious, Leo was graced with the barest hint of a smile. "This sounds...this sounds like a classic Lyman strategy."  
  
"Yes, yes it does." And then Leo had come around his desk, placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. "Do a job."  
  
Sam made no reply, but beamed. Then he left, and Leo sat back down, putting his head in his hands for a minute before thinking to himself: it might just work out after all. //  
  
  
  
Leo sighed. Sam had needed that, but Leo was willing to admit just how much he had needed that as well. Things with the President, however...remained complicated.  
  
  
  
\\ "...but Leo, he doesn't fit right now."  
  
"I know that, Mr. President, we all know that. But who would? I don't see what we can do to fix this, sir."  
  
The President sighed, stood, paced for a minute, and sat back down. "He serves at the pleasure of the President, Leo."  
  
"As do we all."  
  
"He isn't bringing me any pleasure."  
  
"No, sir."  
  
"No one else seems pleased, either."  
  
"They're not, sir."  
  
"Then why is he still around? Surely he notices, surely he can tell?"  
  
"Yes, he can. He's not an idiot, Mr. President. But what do you expect, for him to quit because the other kids at school don't like him?"  
  
"We aren't children. And he's not playing well with us, either. In fact, he's been –"  
  
"He's the Deputy Chief of Staff of –"  
  
"I know who he is, Leo."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"It would look bad for us to get rid of him right now."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And for him it looks good to stay."  
  
"He's intelligent, sir...politically speaking. Of course, recently he hasn't exactly been displaying his value..."  
  
The President sighed. "Joshua Lyman is one of the biggest reasons I'm sitting here today. This is not the man that won me the Presidency."  
  
"No, sir, he's not. Maybe it's time to consider other options anyway, political ramifications be damned."  
  
"We should wait and see how he adjusts."  
  
"They don't talk to him, sir. They aren't acting at all like themselves, and I don't know how much longer we can go on like this...personally or professionally. Everything for the last month has been botched. We knew there would be problems, but it is beginning to get in the way of real issues."  
  
"This is a real issue, but that's beside the point. Sam and CJ and Toby...they need to work it out, they need to work through it. We all do. I'm just not sure how, and my options suck."  
  
"If I can't rely on my Deputy to get the job done, what good is it?"  
  
"It's been almost a month, Leo."  
  
"I know, sir."  
  
"Only a month. You're taking this hard, we all are. Hell, I've been awful to him, and he didn't even really deserve it, not at first. Just because he isn't who we want him to be...he's still a good kid. Not the best kid, not the person we're used to, but maybe we just need to talk to him."  
  
"You really think that will work, sir?"  
  
"Tell him what he's doing wrong, tell him how he needs to play the game. And if all else fails –"  
  
"I'll tell him that I'll fire his ass."  
  
"We need trust, Leo, trust and respect."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You get that, and it will all fall into place." //  
  
  
  
They were talking in circles. They had been for a while. One of them would take the side that things were getting too difficult with him and he needed to leave, and the other would talk him down from it. Somewhere in the conversation they would switch, and that person would be talked down as well. It never got anywhere. Like the President said, their options sucked. And neither of them knew quite what to do.  
  
As Chief of Staff, though, he needed to do something soon – before he didn't recognize any of them. They had lost their continuity, their connectedness. It used to be that they could judge each other's moods, pick up on each other's thoughts. He had never worked with a staff as in tune as this one, or as dedicated. He loved them all, and it hurt him to see them struggle like this. Josh was right in what he said about the staff.  
  
  
  
\\ "...Toby is silent and brooding, and when he's not he yells – followed almost immediately by apologies and more brooding; CJ looks like she doesn't sleep, she walks around like she is paranoid that it is all going to fall apart, to disintegrate before her eyes; Sam...God, Leo, I barely recognize Sam...he's lost his enthusiasm, his passion, he's quiet, withdrawn and anxious..." //  
  
  
  
Of course, to hear Josh tell it, Leo wasn't in much better shape. He was starting to wonder, though, if Josh didn't have a point. Not that he should be listening to Josh. Not that Josh should be giving him advice in the first place.  
  
The alarm began to buzz insistently in the bedroom. Leo stood and went to turn it off. He could go to work now. 


	3. Chapter 3

On This Day  
  
part 3/5  
  
  
  
  
  
"No."  
  
"But Leo –"  
  
"No."  
  
"Leo –"  
  
"Look, I said no the first time, and you didn't listen to me. I said no the second, and you were trying to prove your point. I said no the third time, and by then you were just pissing me off. It gets you nowhere – nowhere – to continue to argue this with me. Toby doesn't like your idea, I don't like your idea, and the President sure as hell isn't going to like your idea! It's done, move on."  
  
Leo was expecting more of a fight from him, but none came. He was used to being shot down, he knew that they didn't trust his political instincts as they probably should, he had admitted that the rest of the senior staff excluded him and – consciously or not, accurately or not – made him the scapegoat for all of their recent problems. Leo should have been bothered by all of this but he was in no position to be objective, and had fallen victim to it as well. Leo watched as he left, and idly wondered if he would simply quit of his own accord, and if that would makes things better. Then he berated himself for his thoughts, told himself that the problem lay not necessarily with him but with the rest of them, and that he should concentrate on fixing that, helping them, allowing them to help.  
  
Margaret came in to announce his 11 o'clock appointment. It was going to be a long day...  
  
*****  
  
The soft knocking at the doorway interrupted Leo's reading mid- sentence, and he looked up with irritation. His face softened when he saw who it was – Donna. He waved for her to enter.  
  
"Come on in, Donna, have a seat."  
  
"Margaret told me that you wanted to see me."  
  
"Yeah, yeah I did."  
  
"If you're busy, I can –"  
  
"No, it's fine. I needed a break anyway...I feel like I've been at this for hours."  
  
"Yeah, when Josh and I used to work late we'd –" She stopped short, realizing her topic and obviously not wishing to discuss it further.  
  
Leo let silence fill the room for a moment before speaking, leaning back in his chair. "That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. The...the Deputy Chief of Staff is usually the one to discuss staff relations and staff issues, but considering the subject I need to talk to you myself."  
  
Donna's eyes showed fear, but her face remained remarkably calm and she sat silently, rigid in the chair.  
  
"Donna, how are things in Communications?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
Leo sighed. "Donna, I need –"  
  
"I show up on time, I work diligently. In my spare time I reorganize Sam's files and help Bonnie and Ginger. I take lunch at my desk, they let me go home at a normal hour. I don't usually work late, but I get everything done on time. I'm usually ahead of schedule, actually, which is why I help everyone else...there's really not as much to do as I would like, but I've been working on that, getting some new responsibilities. Sometimes I help Carol."  
  
"Donna –"  
  
"My research is accurate, and thorough. I do everything promptly. I try not to bother anyone. I bring them coffee. I..."  
  
"Donna."  
  
"Yeah?" She looked, and sounded, like a child waiting for a scolding.  
  
Leo did his best to speak reassuringly. "Donna, you're not here to defend your work. I know that you work hard, I know that you do a good job. I just...with Josh...and this job being...I wanted to know if you're..."  
  
"...happy?"  
  
"No. Yeah. How are *you*?"  
  
"I'm still here, aren't I? I won't go anywhere. I don't think I could, anyway. And Sam and Toby...they're my friends, it's good to work with them. So's CJ. Ginger, Bonnie, Margaret, Carol. I'll be fine. I just couldn't work there, not after..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'll be fine," she asserts again, and he can't help but wonder that she's right. She was determined, and strong-willed, as Josh had learned in the years he worked with her. Given some time...  
  
"Have you talked to...to him...yet?"  
  
"No. I haven't. He...hasn't tried, either. I think he knows I won't...that I can't...it's okay."  
  
"All right, then. I just wanted to check up on things. Do me a favor though, Donna...don't work so hard. The other assistants won't have anything to do." He thought he saw the hint of a smile on her face. "You can go back. If you need anything..."  
  
"Thank you, Leo."  
  
He watched as she left, heard her speak with Margaret briefly before returning to the Communications bullpen. Margaret stepped in a moment later, expecting Leo to ask her what was next or make a request. He kept silent.  
  
"Leo?"  
  
He seemed surprised to see her. "Yeah?"  
  
"You all right?"  
  
"Yeah, I...yeah."  
  
She eyed him warily, but didn't comment. "Admiral Fitzwallace will be here in fifteen minutes."  
  
"Okay. Thanks, Margaret."  
  
He waited until her heard her leave to sigh. If he wasn't careful, she'd start watching him even more closely. She was paranoid enough as it was – he didn't want to give her another reason. Not that she needed one. She had known him long enough to accurately judge his moods, and he knew that she was justifiably concerned. What he needed...  
  
Well, what he really needed he couldn't have. Couldn't have that drink, either. He'd have to make due with what he had. Which wasn't much. Less, if you count the fact that not only was Josh offering advice, Leo was considering listening to it.  
  
Leo thought back to this morning, when he had been having a conversation with Toby about how best to approach the Senator on the banking bill. The brief strategy session was going nowhere when Josh made a suggestion that just might work. Leo told Toby that that was the way to go, but Toby seemed confused...  
  
\\ "But what do you want me to do?"  
  
"We just went over this!"  
  
"Leo...?"  
  
"Come on, Toby. You go to the meeting, you tell him –" //  
  
Leo had repeated the plan, not realizing until Toby left that the plan had been Josh's. And then he felt worse. He worried...he worried about what was happening to him, worried how much longer things would go on like this. That Josh was still in the room angered him, and he left his office quickly to pace through the halls of the West Wing. Later, he yelled at his Deputy.  
  
It didn't help.  
  
He resolved to talk to the guys...minus one but plus Donna...that night.  
  
*****  
  
Margaret came in with a memo, handing it to Leo and leaving the office. He scanned it quickly, was about to toss it aside, then looked at it again. "Margaret!" he yelled without looking up.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Get Josh in here right now. Sam, CJ, and Toby, too." He grabbed a pencil and began scribbling on the memo, thoughts racing. He still felt her presence in the room and looked up, surprised. "Margaret, I told you –"  
  
"Leo."  
  
"I asked for –"  
  
Her voice rose slightly and was sharp in tone. "Leo."  
  
He stopped to think, forehead wrinkling in concern as he replayed the conversation in his head. Damn. "Margaret, I..."  
  
She sighed, and her voice was softer. "Leo, you said –"  
  
"Yeah. Margaret, I meant...I need them all...just get them, okay? I need everybody here."  
  
She said nothing, but left. He could hear her on the phone, gathering the troops. Great, now not only would Margaret be concerned again, he had to worry about keeping order between the factions. And it was three against one with a moderator who was not quite certain of his sanity. There was a reason he had begun hating senior staff meetings...  
  
But he would talk to them later. He had put things off long enough, and he figured that now might be the best time. In a few days, it would be exactly one month's time. The other day...with Sam...that had been progress. He just needed to talk to them, to let them know, to help them out. *If it wasn't for Josh*...but that was neither here nor there. He had to believe that this was temporary, and that soon things would be set – not *right*, exactly, since that wasn't really possible. But better. He was ready for things to be better, and he thought that they were, as well. He smiled slightly to himself. Yeah, if he couldn't have normal, better would be just fine with him. 


	4. Chapter 4

On This Day  
  
part 4/5  
  
  
  
Leo opened the door to go back to his office but paused mid-step when he saw Josh leaning against his desk. The President noticed his hesitation.  
  
"Was there something else, Leo?"  
  
He turned to face the President, attempting to mask whatever emotions he might be displaying. Two choices. Stay in the safety of the Oval Office or face Josh. Much as he would have liked to say that option one was the better of the two, Leo knew that going that route would have to involve either coming up with a legitimate reason to stay or confessing to the President his sudden aversion to his office. Well, he was crazy enough as it was, so the only real harm could come with staying...not that he was unwilling to give it a try. "No, sir. Unless you have anything further?"  
  
"No, no. I've kept you from running my country long enough. I'm not quite inspired to give you a history of the use of the campaign button in American politics right now...that one's only for special occasions, and Toby already got it today."  
  
Leo grimaced. "I believe I've heard that one before, sir. Several times."  
  
"Well then, I guess we're done for now."  
  
"Thank you, Mr. President." Leo retreated quickly and shut the door. He looked at Josh, who was unsuccessfully trying to hide the smirk on his face.  
  
"At least that one's not in Latin."  
  
"I think I'd almost prefer it that way."  
  
"That good? I wonder what Toby did to deserve such punishment."  
  
Leo sat down, sighing deeply. "He yelled at...yeah. He yelled."  
  
"Oh. It was deserved, you know. God knows the wrath of Toby is to be feared, but this was deserved."  
  
"It probably was."  
  
"I'll bet Toby didn't even mind the lecture. He thought it was worth it."  
  
"I don't doubt it...but it doesn't exactly help staff relations now, does it?"  
  
"Well I'd be surprised if things got much worse."  
  
Leo nodded absently, thinking about his resolution to talk to the senior staffers tonight.  
  
"Has Sam fixed my bill yet?"  
  
"He's working on it...it wasn't exactly hard to convince him of the strategy's merits, now he just has to play it right. He should be fine. As long as others don't go screwing around where they don't belong."  
  
"It's my bill."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I want Sam to do it. I want this victory. We need this."  
  
"Don't you think I know that!" Leo had raised his voice, but immediately regretted it. "Josh...I have more important things to do than –"  
  
"Leo?" It was Margaret, standing in the open doorway.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, I...what do you need?"  
  
"Need? Right now, I *need* all of you to leave me alone so I can get some work done!"  
  
"But you..."  
  
"Margaret!"  
  
"Right."  
  
"And shut the door on your way out."  
  
She did. Leo leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed, trying to release his sudden frustration before he took it out on someone less inclined to put up with him. When he looked up a few minutes later Josh was still there, watching him. "I said I wanted to be alone."  
  
"It doesn't quite work that way, Leo."  
  
"Why the hell not?"  
  
"Are you going to talk to them?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Soon?"  
  
"Tonight. But I would feel much better about trying to help them if I wasn't so screwed up myself."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Leo stared at him. He had known Josh his whole life, and he knew all too well the seriousness with which those words had been said.  
  
"If you want, I'll...leave. Really leave. Do you want me to?"  
  
"No. Yes. No. Josh..."  
  
"It's going to be okay, Leo. I keep telling you that – one of these times you have to believe me. And once you do, it won't take nearly as much as you think for things to get better."  
  
"Sometimes, I really don't see how."  
  
Josh smiled. "That's because you don't believe me. Haven't you been listening?"  
  
"I have. That's the problem. I shouldn't be listening to you, you shouldn't even be here right now. I should have fired my Deputy Chief of Staff about two weeks ago."  
  
Josh's voice was guarded, quiet. "You could always still do that."  
  
"But you don't want me to."  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
Leo sighed. What had the President said the other day? "Trust and respect, Josh. What will it take for me to get that?"  
  
"Talk to them."  
  
"I don't know what to say."  
  
"And you're looking to me for advice?"  
  
"I told you that I lost my mind. I just...I don't know how to help them get past this. Professionally, they remain civil. But just barely, and not always. Personally...?"  
  
"It hurts to see them hide behind their jobs. And not just them, it's you and the President, too. Don't you remember what happened when I tried to do that? I was so wrapped up in fulfilling my duty; in putting everyone else first, last, and in-between; in ignoring the fact that I considered two straight hours a good night's sleep – and got blessedly few of those, anyway; in allowing myself to drown because it hurt too much to tread water; in pushing away anything and everything that made me feel...I put my hand through a window, Leo. A window. And I didn't feel a thing."  
  
"We aren't about to –"  
  
"Aren't you? This is eating you up inside. Have you noticed Margaret lately? She is completely paranoid. More paranoid. Whatever." Josh came closer, leaning in over the desk, eyes level with Leo's. "You want a drink. I know you do."  
  
"I don't –"  
  
"You do."  
  
"I do." Leo sighed. "I do because of you. And I won't. Because of you."  
  
"Do you want me to leave now?"  
  
Leo could see the hurt in Josh's eyes, the guilt, the pain, but also the relief brought by Leo's statement – made true and binding by the act of being spoken aloud. Or maybe Leo was just as deluded as he was tempted to believe, and he saw only a reflection of himself.  
  
He wasn't sure what answer to give to Josh's question, so he ignored it. "I'll talk to them tonight...and things will get better."  
  
Strangely enough, at that moment he was inclined to believe his words.  
  
*****  
  
Leo leaned back in his chair, removing his glasses to rub his aching eyes. With a sigh he tossed them to the desk and stood, suddenly impatient, agitated. He paced.  
  
There was a soft knock at the door and Margaret entered, closing the door behind her. He didn't notice. She stood there for several minutes, watching him as long as she could stand. "Leo?"  
  
He stopped abruptly, wheeling around to face her. He saw concern in her eyes, but surprise was quickly added to it as well.  
  
"Who else were you expecting?"  
  
His brow furrowed in confusion. "What *are* you talking about, Margaret?"  
  
"Well, you certainly looked surprised to find me here. I assume you were muttering to yourself and not to your invisible –"  
  
"Margaret!"  
  
He hadn't spoken harshly, or at least he hadn't meant to, but Margaret was looking concerned again, in her you're-just-saying-that-to- make-me-leave-but-I-won't way. He sighed, resigned, knowing that there was no possible way to avoid a scolding at this point. Besides that, he couldn't exactly tell her who he had been expecting to see.  
  
"You look awful, Leo, really. When's the last time you ate? Forget that, when's the last time you slept?"  
  
"I –"  
  
"Don't give me that. There's a difference between going home and sleeping – and I know the last time you ate, because I essentially shoved the food down your throat this morning. I'm worried, Leo."  
  
"Margaret..."  
  
"No, you're not okay."  
  
"Well, then –"  
  
"You're not fine, either."  
  
Despite himself, Leo had to smile. That she knew him so well was a bit troublesome. "Do I get to defend myself at all or should we skip right to the scolding?"  
  
"You have no defense."  
  
"So that's a no?"  
  
"That's a –"  
  
She stopped as a knock at the door interrupted them, moving quickly over to the door and opening it. It was Toby. Margaret stepped out of his way and turned to face Leo. "Toby's here to see you, but don't think you can avoid me forever – I control your appointment book."  
  
Leo rolled his eyes, waving a confused Toby into the room. "What do you need?"  
  
Toby hesitated, then said, "I'm not going to apologize for yelling at him today, I won't. He deserved it and he knew it, and while I will take my 'punishment' from the President I know that he wasn't really concerned or he would have admonished me directly, which he didn't. Instead, I got some lecture about how the use of –"  
  
Leo waved him off. "Yeah, I heard. What's your point Toby?"  
  
"Nothing, I just wanted to say..." He sighed. "Nothing. It's just...he's...I'm not used to...never mind, Leo. It's nothing."  
  
Leo stared at him for a moment, surprised at Toby's inability – or possibly just unwillingness – to express himself. Unsure of where to direct the conversation, he turned instead to safe ground. "Do you have the new numbers for me yet?"  
  
Twenty minutes later, Toby was on his way out. "You'll have the speech in a few hours, Sam is just checking it over – again – and then we're all set. I'll give CJ the go-ahead on the thing, it should be in the evening briefing. Oh, and I'll have Ginger set up the meeting with Williams and Spencer."  
  
"Yeah. Hey, Toby?"  
  
He paused in the doorway.  
  
"Maybe it's time we stop punishing him for something that he had no control over, maybe we shouldn't blame him for doing his job."  
  
Leo watched as Toby's back straightened and his head bowed slightly. He did not look directly at Leo, but stood there silently for a moment, face impassive, before turning and leaving the room.  
  
"Oh, Josh," Leo sighed, "I hope that this is the right thing. I don't want to lose all of you." 


	5. Chapter 5

**This is the final section, in which you shall get answers, but not all of them. There are some things which I left intentionally vague because...well, because I'm the author and I say so. I wrote it that way because I felt that it was in keeping with the feel of the story...the details didn't matter quite as much as the rest. So, with my apologies for this part taking so long to appear, enjoy!**  
  
On This Day  
  
Part 5/5  
  
"Leo!"  
  
Leo turned, pausing on the stairway as he waited for CJ to catch up. "Yeah, CJ?"  
  
"What's going on tonight?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Come on, Leo. I got the message from Margaret, so what's up?"  
  
Leo sighed. No point in delaying the inevitable, at least not with her. "I think it's time we had a discussion."  
  
CJ stopped walking and he looked up at her, trying to gauge her reaction. She looked around the hallway for a moment before dragging Leo into the closest room and shutting the door behind them. He waited for her to talk.  
  
She ran a hand through her hair before resting it on her hip. "Leo...you know that the boys won't -" She paused, shaking her head to correct herself before continuing. "...that Toby and Sam won't like it."  
  
`The boys' was how CJ - and often Leo or the President - referred to Sam, Josh, and Toby collectively. They never said it anymore. There was a lot that they didn't say anymore.  
  
"Leo?"  
  
"Yeah...CJ...look. We're going to talk, we're going to talk tonight, and I don't care what anyone else thinks."  
  
"I'm just saying -"  
  
"I know. But they have to deal with it sometime, and it's better that it's now and not when you can't all be in the same room together, or when you ignore his advice on principle rather than it being a crappy idea, or when he gets himself in trouble and no one helps him out, or when the press asks you about the tensions and misunderstandings between the members of the senior staff."  
  
"They already are."  
  
Leo looked up sharply. "What?"  
  
"They already are."  
  
"But nothing serious yet?"  
  
"No. Obviously I haven't been asked anything at a briefing, and they've pretty much said it as a warning rather than a heads up on a story. They know how it's been, Leo, but they have a job."  
  
"Which is all the more reason why I need to sit down with you guys."  
  
"Do you really think that's going to help? That you just tell us to...whatever it is you are going to tell us, and we'll show up tomorrow arm-in-arm with smiles on our faces? It's not that simple, Leo. Do you think we can just forget what Josh -"  
  
"No, CJ, I don't." There was an edge to his voice, something akin to bitterness which caused CJ's to lose her anger and indignation and make her suddenly unwilling to meet his eyes.  
  
"God, Leo...I'm sorry. I know...I...I'm sorry."  
  
"Yeah." And just like that he went back to sounding tired, defeated.  
  
"I have to go. Toby's got a thing for me, I need to prep."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He watched her leave the room. She was trying to hold them together, doing the best that she knew how. Leo knew that, in a way, she had been covering for him this last month because he hadn't been doing it - couldn't do it - and it needed to be done. Well, he would relieve her of that tonight. One less burden for her to bear, a deepening of his own. And he might soon have to do it all without Josh.  
  
*****  
  
Margaret had forced him, after he lost what he considered an all-too-short verbal battle, to eat dinner. At this point, Leo was seriously considering following her instructions without argument from now on, since he ended up doing whatever she said anyway. He didn't like being `handled', but he didn't have much choice in the matter. Luckily, she hadn't complained - too much - when he took a stack of briefings with him. He had taken a table in the corner, hoping that anyone who saw him would also see the papers he had brought with him and know to leave him alone.  
  
From his vantage point, Leo watched as Ed and Larry called a reluctant Donna over to their table. He couldn't discern what they were saying, but he listened to the rise and fall of their voices, watched Donna look around as if for escape. Eventually she conceded, allowing Larry to take the stack of files she was carrying and sitting down. Good. He had told her that she was working too hard, but he wasn't sure that it would have an effect. He only wished that there was some way to get her to work less without her catching on that that was what they were trying to do. As for the others...well, he would have to figure out what to do with them as well. All this, plus run the country. No problem.  
  
His pager went off. Leo sighed, closing the file he had been reading. There was always work to be done, more so since he had been handling jobs personally which he normally wouldn't and farming assignments out differently. He hadn't been very hungry anyway.  
  
*****  
  
Leo leaned against the doorframe, looking for his wayward assistant. He had called for her - bellowed, if he was to be truthful - several times with no response and, perplexed, had been forced to fetch her on foot. She wasn't there. Which made sense, if he was inclined to think about Margaret's typical response time, but he wasn't. In fact, he wasn't really inclined to think of much of anything at the moment except that there were things he needed Margaret to do and she wasn't going to do them until he found her.  
  
Shaking his head, he went over to her desk. Files, memos, the appointment book, a half-eaten muffin (no doubt she had checked to ensure that it contained the *correct* calorie count), but no Margaret. Leo paused, considering the virtue of patience briefly before discarding it and walking around the corner.  
  
"Hey, Charlie."  
  
Charlie looked up, putting aside what he had been reading. "Leo."  
  
"You don't happen to know where Margaret went off to, do you?"  
  
"Yeah, she -" he was cut off by the ringing of a phone. "Hold on."  
  
Leo waited while Charlie took the call, pacing slowly between Charlie's desk and the desk they continued to refer to as Mrs. Landingham's. The President still resisted the idea of finding a replacement; unfortunately, that luxury could not be afforded by all.  
  
"Leo?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Margaret had to go help Sarah. She said that you could survive on your own for a while, and if not that you would have to go get her yourself."  
  
Leo sighed. "Yeah, thanks Charlie."  
  
Charlie went back to what he had been reading as Leo left; whether it was for work or for school he couldn't tell. The kid worked too hard, but around here they were all pots and kettles - stubborn ones at that - and you would never hear a complaint from any of them. There was an abundance of sarcasm, of course, but...  
  
"Well, your solution's right there."  
  
Leo stopped in his tracks and turned around to see Josh, standing a few feet away with a grin on his face.  
  
"And who says I needed a solution?"  
  
"You. Me. Besides, do you even know what the problem is that I just so graciously solved for you?"  
  
"Do I know the solution, either?"  
  
"Maybe not."  
  
Leo glared for a minute, but Josh kept silent. He sighed, resisting the urge to roll his eyes, trying to remember what he had just been thinking about. "My solution is...Charlie?"  
  
"School. The answer is school."  
  
"Now might be an appropriate time to figure out the question."  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
"Joshua, I swear -"  
  
"Yeah." Josh walked a few steps away, then turned, waiting for Leo to follow him.  
  
They were in Communications, and it made sense now. "Donna."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"She could take a few classes, we'll reduce her hours, and she doesn't even have to worry about -"  
  
"She's not a `girl on a budget' anymore."  
  
Leo looked up at Josh. "That one raised a few eyebrows."  
  
Josh just smiled.  
  
"Of course, you knew that. But in the end all it took to fix the situation was the patented Toby Ziegler death glare."  
  
"You see, he's got everyone convinced that he's this scary -"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
" - but really..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So you'll mention it?"  
  
Leo nodded. "Now how about you tell me what it is I'm doing tonight?"  
  
"Can't help you there."  
  
Leo sighed. "I really have no idea."  
  
"Well, I suppose that if you did, you wouldn't be asking me."  
  
"That seems safe to say...although, I have been known to get your input anyway. Sometimes I even listened."  
  
"A bad habit, no doubt. But if you really want to know, why don't you ask *them* what you should do?"  
  
Leo followed Josh's gaze across the bullpen to Sam's office, where he watched Toby pace, speaking and gesturing with his arms as Sam scribbled rapidly in a notebook. "But they're the ones I need to..."  
  
He trailed off, not needing to finish the thought. Josh was gone.  
  
After a minute Leo continued on his way to the bullpen, stopped once by a junior staffer, and looked around momentarily before spotting a red head by a filing cabinet.  
  
"Margaret!"  
  
She turned her head towards him briefly, then continued to flip through files. "Yes, Leo?"  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
Pulling out two files and shutting the drawer, she walked over to another filing cabinet. "My job."  
  
"And you do it very well."  
  
"But?"  
  
He smiled slightly. "But what are you doing?"  
  
"Can't function without me already?"  
  
"Well that depends...are you finding me the six-month estimates?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you finding me the US-Mexico agricultural trade stats?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you find -"  
  
"Leo. Go back to whatever it was you were doing, I'll have everything for you in ten minutes."  
  
"Where's Sarah?"  
  
Margaret tilted her head towards the closed door of the office as she dropped the files on the assistant's desk.  
  
"She doing okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I think she's going to last."  
  
Leo nodded. "Okay. Ten minutes?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did I mention that I need -"  
  
She glared at him. "Go."  
  
Leo tossed a backwards glance over his shoulder as he walked away. She was shaking her head, but there was a slight smile on her lips. Sometimes, things were almost normal.  
  
Sometimes, that scared him.  
  
*****  
  
Margaret had indeed gotten him everything that he asked for, even things which he needed and hadn't, Sam had given him a draft for the launch of the new education initiative, he had watched CJ give the final briefing of the day and call the lid, and he had whipped two wayward senators into shape. Now he stood by the window, hands in his pockets, looking out but not really seeing. He was thinking instead, concerned by the fact that his `meeting' was fast approaching and he had no idea what he was going to say - what he should say.  
  
It was hard. He saw these people a hundred times on any given day, spent late nights and early mornings with them, saw them more than he had his wife, gave them advice, orders, or stern reprimands as necessary, thought of them not just as co-workers, and not even just as friends, but as family, and still he had no words for them. It was because of this closeness, this bond which they shared, that they were having such difficulties. In addition to everything that they had to deal with personally, their reaction to the blow which they had been dealt, they had to deal with just as much professionally. Work was not an escape for them, work was their life and their life lay in their work and each other. But as they had learned so many times, daily, as they learned after Rosslyn, as they learned with Mrs. Landingham and the President's disclosure, the country could not wait for them to catch up or even to catch a breath. It moved on, and the professional part of them moved with  
it, and all of it felt like a betrayal.  
  
The President was not immune to such feelings either. The discussions that he and Leo had been having...it was hard to distinguish where Jed Bartlet ended and the President began. Personally he hurt, professionally he had to look at everything from a political perspective. He had always had trouble keeping the two entirely separate, and that was part of what Leo loved about him, but this was an entirely different issue. This was not campaign finance reform, this was not one in five children living in poverty, or guns, or economics, this was not a situation room decision, this was not even an ill-thought out remark to Mary Marsh about her God or a pressroom disaster. This was Josh, and there was nothing they could do. This was the Deputy White House Chief of Staff, and there was no way of knowing what they should do. This was Sam, and CJ, and Toby, but this was also their positions, and none of them could speak without bias.  
  
Leo couldn't. He had tried, and he had found that he couldn't. *We had to make changes, we had to. They shouldn't resent that, but they do, the President does, I do.*  
  
*Come on, Josh*, he thought, *surely you can give me some insight into this. You know them, you know why they're doing this. How can I help them? Why have you helped me at other times but not now? It has been you, hasn't it?*  
  
"Still don't know what to tell them?"  
  
Leo sighed, continuing to stare into the night. "It's not fair of me to ask them to ignore everything or to move on...especially since I haven't. I don't know how to reassure them professionally when I can't personally. It's hard to overlook the mistakes and the hostility, even though we knew it was to be expected. I don't want to drive him away, even though I don't want him here, because I know that he *has* to be here - we need him here, and he'll be fine...it's the rest of us I'm concerned about."  
  
"Forget about this last month."  
  
"Yeah, right."  
  
"Forget about this last month."  
  
"I don't see how you can ask me to do that, Josh, it's not as if -" Leo stopped, voice halting abruptly as he turned from the window to argue with his visitor. It wasn't Josh. "Mr. President, I..."  
  
"Leo, forget about this last month. And forget about tomorrow. It doesn't matter right now. Two days from now, it will be one month since we lost Josh. A week after that, Eric will have been your Deputy for three weeks. Those aren't the things that you can change, those are the things that you have to live with, that we all have to live with. They have nothing to do with how much we loved him, or how much we miss him, or whether your new Deputy makes Toby want to tear the rest of his hair out. We all know that, just because we are ignoring it doesn't mean we don't know that. It's not the same, but it shouldn't be. And just because you're still hurting doesn't mean that you have nothing to say to them. You do.  
  
Forget what you can't change, and forget what you can't predict. What matters is that on this day, you talk with them. Not to them, and not for them, but with them. On this day, we can set aside our work for Josh, just him, and nothing will collapse. They need it, you need it. It doesn't matter that you don't know what to say...tell them that, tell them that we have a problem that can't be resolved through a speech, a statement, a late night strategy session, an act of Congress, a new filing system. They know that, but they need to be reminded, and so do you. Are they angry that Eric isn't doing everything right? Yes. More than that it's because he isn't Josh. No one is. And he's not here anymore. When he was shot, they realized what it would be like if he wasn't there, and they didn't like it. I didn't either. That time, after a few days, we knew it wasn't permanent. Now it is, and we are just as unprepared.  
  
We lost sight of what we cannot change, but moving on doesn't have to mean forgetting, and replacing the position can never replace the man. I'm as guilty as everyone else when it comes to that. So much of who we are is what we do, but a lot more of what we do is who we are. We can't forget that, and we can't attempt to ignore it out of misplaced guilt, or anger, or the sense of betrayal that I know we all feel. We came together for a reason, we fought to have this chance, we made the impossible happen, and this is who we are today. Our tragedies and triumphs are just as important as our successes and our failures, but only in our eyes. We all know what we would do for one another, but sometimes it blinds us. Toby wanted to overturn the Constitution for Josh, and with one word you would all have taken leaves and prosecuted the KKK, but it was Josh who was the voice of reason that time.  
  
Now we need to listen more carefully, since he isn't here, and it starts right now, with us. Eric is smart, and he knows what he's doing - that's why we picked him. Everything else can be figured out as he learns his place here. CJ, Toby, Sam...once they realize that he's not the enemy they think he is, they'll be able to let him into the loop. What's left is the hardest part, but anything with Josh is never simple. The answer isn't here, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be, not yet. The only thing that has to be here now is you. Are you ready?"  
  
Leo stood there silently, unsure of what to say but not uncomfortable. The President hadn't given him any answers, just as Josh had not, but both of them had pointed out the beginning of a path. It was his turn to take charge.  
  
The President nodded once, apparently satisfied, then turned to leave. "Goodnight, Leo."  
  
"Goodnight, sir."  
  
Leo moved back towards the window. He wondered if he would see Josh again, or if he had ever seen him at all. He wondered at the amazing strength of those around him. He wondered if he should have done this long ago, or if they were only ready for it now. And he tried not to wonder about the things he could not change, but concentrate on what there was now. It was hard, all of it. It was hard, but not impossible, and it was time.  
  
He heard a soft knock at the door and turned. It was Margaret.  
  
"Leo, they're ready."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
It was time.  
  
end 


End file.
